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I don`t wanna make this weird but that`s just kinda how I do things.
Some people might as well post ‘Wants Attention’ as their Facebook status.
Does Facebook offer a 401(k)?
No one’s going to do it for you. It’s up to just you to make naps a priority in your life.
There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1" Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100" Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000" Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
I take so many things with a grain of salt that I`m surprised I don`t have high blood pressure.
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
my entire life is a "had to be there" moment
People who peel the entire banana before eating it must be the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Sitting in traffic like the non-helicopter owning loser that I am.
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.
Pizza doesn’t ask questions. Pizza understands.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally