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Meanwhile, Somewhere farther down on your timeline, your aunt just posted the "Footprints" poem on your wall again.
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
Best of luck explaining why you’re still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn’t.
Don`t bother trying to figure me out...not even the little voices in my head understand me...it`s pointless.
Pregreening - creeping forward while waiting for a red light to change.
Been coughing all night & day, can`t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
I like to go to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I`m no cactus expert, but I know a pr!ck when I see one
Imagine if someone`s name was Gurt. You`d be all "yo gurt!" .. funny? no? Ok (._.)
NASCAR pit crews are always retiring. Let it sink in: now laugh
I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds.
Women- God’s version of a Rubik’s cube.
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.