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You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin` up some poop.
Seriously, how can it be considered stealing when my neighbor’s WiFi signal was trespassing in MY house? I’m the victim here!!
Oh well, this time isn`t going to procrastinate itself.
Wanna come over for pizza and sex? I`m just kidding ... there`s no pizza.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn`t like it.
I just found out that his full name is actually, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.
Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]
Imagine how out of control drinking would if we didn`t have hangovers
I need something that`s more than coffee but less than cocaine.
Patiently waiting for the Prozac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!