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Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Damn boy! Are you a slinky? Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.
Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
That awkward moment for a guy when he`s at a urinal stall and another guy takes the stall right next to him when there`s plenty of other perfectly good stalls farther away..
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
Don´t worry ... It only seems kinky the first time.
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
If someone tells you “it’s better than sex” they’re not doing the sex right.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Daylight Savings makes us lose an hour... It’s kind of like Facebook.
I`ve been hiding from exercise ... I`m in the fitness protection program.
Whenever somebody is murdered, the 1st person the police investigae is the spouse. That should tell you all you need to know about marriage.
Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.