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I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
Life is not a garden so quit being a hoe
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
im like the government: i spend money on things that aren`t important, and spend most of my time trying to explain to people why i need them.
The iPad Air is named after what`s left in your bank account when you buy one.
People all around the world are out doing interesting and productive things right now. You are reading this.
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
To honor Thanksgiving this month I will be calling every one Pilgrim instead of Dude or Bro-- Fair warning
im so hungry, im farting fresh air
Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn’t convenient at all.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either :)
My room isn`t messy. I just prefer to have my favorite items on display.
I`m that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me... And apologize for after.
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.