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It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.
On the bright side, all that coal will keep me warm this winter.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
Acting like a mature adult is super easy if you hate having fun.
After a certain point, the `F` on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found
Facebook should allow people to be in a relationship with food. That would be my relationship for eternity.
I wish the minutes after hitting the snooze button lasted as long as microwave minutes.
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.