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The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
apparently telling my girlfriend her acuracy is as high as a magic 8 ball wasn`t a good idea.
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. "Nobody like`s your idea"
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
I`m not anti-social I`m just pro leave me the f*ck alone.
They should make Vodka ChapStick
Be nice to me ... I may be hot one day.
I don’t know how your day is going, but I just got lucky on the couch! Yep, I found a dollar!
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.
person 1: i can draw really well person 2: i`m really athletic person 3: i`m hilarious and likable person 4: i`m gorgeous me: i can breathe