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You all take typos way too serious, you gays.
I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
I can`t even tell what this thing in my fridge use to be.
If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
Only 2 phrases can change a woman’s mood: ”I Love You” and ”50% Off”.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
You’d think after all these beauty pageants, we would have world peace by now.
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
Don`t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex`s name tattooed.
Please, please don`t be a bitch to me. Because then I`ll have to be a bitch back and I can do it better than you.
Which one of you is Moderation? I keep getting told we need to drink together.
What would I give the woman who has everything? Well, my phone number for a start.
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?