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real eyes realize real lies
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Handle every stressful situation like a Dog.....Pee on it and walk away.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji...
Every morning I check my girlfriends horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.
There’s nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change.
1, 2 Freddie´s coming for u 3, 4 better lock the door 5, 6 grab your crucifix 7, 8 gotta say up late 9, 10 never sleep again
The brain is the most outstanding organ, it works for 24 hours 365 days, right from your birth until you fall in love.
You know you`re all grown up when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kick it under the fridge.
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
Please don`t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I`m awesome doesn`t mean I like you.
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend, but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
If Wal-Mart ends up selling mortgages, the trailer market will explode.
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.