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The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
Now that I`ve maxed out my 401k for the year, I`ll get a tattoo, said no one ever.
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
Ever gotten that awkward feeling? ..like the one when you realize you`re chewing on a BORROWED pencil?
Sorry I kept stopping erratically. I was pumping SCREW YOU in Morse Code with my brake lights.
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day! I was going to drink anyway!
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Going to the toilet without your phone is like going to war without a gun
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.
If you can read this please let me know - because it means I blocked the wrong person.