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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
If you didn`t hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don`t invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.
Have you seen that new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4in of it. DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
*Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat ... not two cats in one.
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
LOL` the biggest lie on the internet.
Facebook`s list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I`ve been avoiding my entire life.
Meanwhile one million men got to enjoy a quiet afternoon at home without anyone nagging them.
If owls are so smart, how come they don`t say "Whom"?
If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time.
"F*ck that sh!t", is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word "no"