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one of the Olsen twins got married earlier today! when the fiance was asked "which one???" he replied "who cares???"
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he`ll just have to mow around me. I`m not moving.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
These police take Hide and Seek really seriously.
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
I never said I hated you. I just said that if you where on fire, I would consider roasting marshmallows. Big difference.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
There`s actually a website designed to simulate what it`s like to be the sole survivor of a nuclear holocaust, it`s called MySpace.
If you love something, feed it so much that it get’s too fat for anyone else to want.