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I used to be a class act......or clown,as my 7th grade teacher would tell my parents!!
Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that`s how I feel today.
I’ve never considered myself much of a conspiracy theorist. Then I discovered the letters in Frito Lay could be rearranged to spell Oily Fart- Coincidence?… I think not!!!
DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
Today`s interpretive dance was brought to you by "Spider On My Shirt". Up next we have "Oh jeeze, where did it go?!"
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
You ever notice that the number of extra steps a drunk takes getting home? ...its staggering!
Common Sense is so rare, it should be classified as a super power.
Whenever somebody is murdered, the 1st person the police investigae is the spouse. That should tell you all you need to know about marriage.
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.