Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Apparently "I`ll break your god damn legs" isn`t the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway.
You must have been born on a highway. Most accidents take place there.
Some of my ideas are about as profitable as selling YOLO T-Shirts at a Reincarnation seminar
Change is always hard.... Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I think my guardian angel drinks.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
It`s not an attitude problem, it`s the way I am.
My body is made up of 90% water, 5% pizza and 5% wine.
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
Breast awareness month: we stare because we care
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.