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Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 3 or 4 births before they throw you out.
I am so thankful for all the people that aren`t in my life.
Our office just got a new conference table. It sleeps 20.
Groundhog Day, Just walked outside and saw my shadow, It`s now official, Six more weeks of dieting :/
u smile i smile u laugh i laugh u cry i`ll go get a bat and say who`s gonna get it
I`m single by choice. Not MY choice. But it`s still a choice
This by far is your most f*ck up idea ever ... I`ll be there in 10 minutes.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
I totally understand how batteries feel because I`m never included in things either
Sunday morning = lazy lay in my bed and fart under my sheets all day :)
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Online personality tests are pretty self-explanatory… If you’re taking the test, chances are you don`t have one.
Hit the popcorn button on my microwave but none has appeared yet.
Going to make pizza for dinner!! Ingredients Required: Phone, Menu & Credit Card.. Ohhh I can smell it cooking already!! ;)