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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I`ve taken today`s gummy vitamins.
Is it polite or rude to slide a note into the bathroom stall next to you that says, "heard you farting but it`s ok you`re in the right place :)"
What is the difference between a Snow-man & a Snow-lady? Snowballs!
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
When you`re tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
that strange moment when you get in the van and theres no candy...-Drew Balthaser
This is not meant for you. Look away. STOP LOOKING AT IT! :)
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.
The opposite of "tying the knot" is "no strings attached"