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The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!!
I’m having some vision trouble today. I can’t see myself doing anything.
Are you bored? Head over to Walmart, go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, `Hey! There`s no toilet paper in here.`
Checking the time on your phone twice because you were`nt paying attention the first time
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
I couldn`t help but notice that I would like to have sex with you more frequently!
would a fly without wings be called a walk?
You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I`m like that, but with salad.
The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.
My bf just got out of jail. Says life in jail for him was a big pain in the a$$
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Besides being curled up on the bathroom floor convinced I was dying from liver failure for a few hours, last night was fun.