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My internet addiction is getting alt of ctl.
Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains that could`ve become beer, but didn`t
My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
first show me the benefits and then I`ll decide if we can be friends.
These last 7 hours at work are always the longest.
Momma left strict instructions to knock you out.
Jehovah`s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
I live in a madhouse, ruled by a tiny army, that I made myself
I wish I had a job where I could punch stupid motherf*ckers in the face all day.
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
I`d like to have a child one day ... Two days, tops.
Monday?! But, I wasnt even finished with Saturday yet.