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if there wasn´t a last minute I´d never get anything done.
Of course your opinion matters. Just not to me.
Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday.
When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits. Go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
Karma’s only a bitch if you are.
I`m having one of those days where my middle finger is answering every question!!!
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I`m always ready for bed.
I can`t wait to be rich so I can price things from high to low instead of low to high when shopping online.
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
Don`t be ashamed of who you are. That`s your parents job.
Everyone picks their nose at some point, it`s what you choose to do next that defines who you are as a person.
Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.
I`m that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me... And apologize for after.