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My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
What does Miley Cyrus have for dinner on Christmas? Twerky :`)
Every-time I run I hear Mario Brothers theme song in my head, and look for things to jump over.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
I wish I could write `` I Miss You `` on a rock and throw it at your face, so you can know how much it HURTS to miss you
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
How come there`s never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you`ve put the body in? Asking for a friend
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
I haven`t crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don`t care what you think.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I`d look out the window for that.
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....