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I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
thinks that decaffeinated coffee is just useless brown water.
If I`m not back in ten minutes ... then just wait longer.
figured out today that my GPS has auto-correct....I put in "Beach house" and ended up in my ex`s driveway.
I`ll decide whether it`s a compliment or sexual harassment.
Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
Someday, the time I waste deciding what to watch on Netflix will be shorter than the actual time watching it
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
I think I can survive on Mars since they found water for my coffee.
Guys just want a virgin porn star and girls just want a dangerous safe guy.
I wouldn`t say I`m a stalker so much as I am a covert observation enthusiast.
It`s called NASCAR because that`s the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car"
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.