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Always have faith and believe in yourself…well because..the rest of us think you’re an idiot!
Someday, I hope to be so rich that I`ll never be happy again.
When pornstars get up to speak in front of a large group, do they picture people with their clothes on?
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.
I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
I like how Sesame Street just casually has a vampire hanging around.
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
I just saw a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbors house.
I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains. I wonder what the other half is for?
I can make your gf scream louder than you can. - Spider
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they`re going to put you in one.