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I hope I never get to the age when my body can forecast the weather.
Beer is good, but beers are better.
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
I forgot to make a resolution, so I`m pretty much going to just write out everything I did last night and add the word "stop" to the beginning.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Congratulations! I`ve finally snapped, and you`re first on my list!
Just found out What the Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
Getting back with your ex is pretty much the same as taking a shower, getting out, and putting back on the same old dirty underwear.
Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they`re going to be talking.
It`s the weekend!!! The " Responsible Adult Button" has been switched to OFF!!
I have decided to give up procrastinating for Lent ... oh, crap.
Suggested serving size is only for skinny people right?
Gravity didn`t seem this strong twenty-five years ago.