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Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
I was thinking about selling my old phone but I think it knows too much.
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
I just read that Lindsay Lohan is headed for rehab. It`s like 2008 all over again. Or 2009. Or 2010. Or 2011. Or 2012
Our phone falls, we panic... our friends fall, we laugh.
I just scrolled so far back on Facebook`s Timeline... I wound up back over on MySpace. :(
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
When someone says I love you over the phone and you don`t feel the same, just say `I love youtube` but say it really fast!
I am used but in good condition.
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind. ;)
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Sometimes, entire relationships can be chalked up to, "that weird thing I did for a while."
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Will someone please tell ugly girls with small boobs that their opioion doesnt really matter.