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I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
I’m still waiting for the episode of Storage Wars where there’s a homeless guy living in the unit.
I hope to get to the point in my life where I`m not excited about finding change on the ground.
The cool thing about The Clapper is it doubles as a strobe light during s@x.
"I`m not drunk" - Biggest Friday Night Lie.
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
I need to learn the rules to make sure I don`t accidently follow them
Well, all I have to say is TGIF. (Post this on any day but Friday to get comments)
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn`t have to end at work
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and then six months later you have to do it all over again.
If I haven’t embarrassed myself in front of you… don’t worry, it’ll happen.
I wonder who was the first person to see an egg come out of a chicken`s booty and think..."I`m gonna eat that!"
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
Smelling another person should be a choice.