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Pepsi and Coke can`t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
I`m thinking about investing some serious cash in gold....or maybe some other color.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos!
I always push when I should pull. I have doorlexia.
There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no coffee. And without coffee, I`ll kill you all.
Give me a fish & I`ll cook you dinner. Teach me to fish & I`ll just be sitting there in the boat with you getting drunk.
I think I bought just enough fireworks to get my neighbor to move.
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
80% of my status updates are BS, 15% are bologna and 5% are 100% straight from the heart.
I wish I had Dora`s mom and dad, they let that girl go everywhere.