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Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years. Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
I couldn`t find the word `Disappear` in the dictionary. Strange!
**TORNADO WARNING** Everyone head to Giants Stadium. Safest place to avoid a touch down.
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
with great power...comes great electric bill...
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to "what would you do if you won the lottery"
There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing next to you right now, and you`d have no Idea...
We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can`t someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
There’s been over 30 billion messages posted on Facebook, and yet most of us have never even talked to our neighbors.
Telling me to calm down is the easiest way to get me to tell you to go f*ck yourself.
The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.
is procastinating now. Don´t see why I should put it off.