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Two knives taped together are not a suitable alternative to scissors.
"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
Don`t run with scissors -- unless you`re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
Hoodie Footie Pajamas from Pajamagram; because nothing tells a girl you love her like giving her something to cover up her body from head to toe before she gets in your bed.
No one`s going to do it for you. It`s up to you, to make naps a priority in your life.
Not clicking like on this status makes your a$$ look fat.
I am as lazy as the guy who designed the Japanses Flag
Facebook should have a limit on times you can update your relationship status, after 3 it should default to "unstable".
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the sh!t out of you.
Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2.
I noticed you’re not yourself today. I really like it.