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You all take typos way too serious, you gays.
If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
They’re called scents, not flavors, I should not able to taste your perfume or cologne.
Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
The Manning`s Thanksgiving is going to be awkward this year. "Eli, can you pass the stuffing- oh wait, you better let Peyton do it."
I`m feeling about as useful as a stoplight in Grand Theft Auto.
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
3 wishes for when I find a genie: 1. The more I eat the skinnier I get 2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist 3. Other kid owns a winery
I`m afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.
The most frustrating thing I`ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
When someone says "Surprise me", I quickly drop my pants.
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
I may not be the only egomaniac around here, but I’m the only one that matters.
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.