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The guy that thought of wrapping other food items in bacon deserves an award.
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
If your job title is head receiver, you know you`re doing something right.
Do you think retailers in Colorado have seen an increase in the sales of Easy Bake ovens and Brownie mix?
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
That awkward moment when the majority of people think your status is stupid.
Dentists need cooler sh!t on their ceilings.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t.
Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
that awkward moment when a bug or fly lands on your computer screen in your first reaction is to scare it away with the cursor.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in its purse.
All a girl wants is a guy that can make her laugh ... and not just when he drops his pants.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I used to think drinking was bad until i stopped thinking