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BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
I’ve never considered myself much of a conspiracy theorist. Then I discovered the letters in Frito Lay could be rearranged to spell Oily Fart- Coincidence?… I think not!!!
To all my friends who post Controversial, Obscene, Dirty, Offensive, and Derogatory posts, .. Keep that sh!t up. I like it....
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
LIKE IF you… walk into a room, forget what you need, walk out, and then remember.
If I’ve learned anything in my twenty-two years on this earth, it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.
I`d be vegetarian ... if bacon grew on trees.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
How can I go to sleep when this movie I’ve seen 70 times just started?
My wife woke up with a HUGE smile on her face this morning. I love sharpies.
Happy 4/21! National work drug testing day!
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you`re buying me drinks until you do.