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We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
once a homeless guy said to me `Hey you got a dollar` and I said `wow your absolutely right..with psychic powers like that I`m surprised your still homeless` got in my car and left..
whoever snuck the `s` in fast food is a clever person
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......
slugs are snails that are going through a divorce
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop …
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
omg I just found out I`m allergic to exercise...at first I get all flushed, then I break out in a sweat, my heart starts pounding really fast, then I cant breath........i wont be doing that again!
I need a partner in wine.
I´m not cheap, but I am on special this weekend. ;)
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there`s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I`ve got a lot to unlearn.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.