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Age sure does change your perspective. Lots of things I hated when I was a kid I love now... like having nothing to do, going to bed early, watching the news, spankings.... stuff like that.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
"It`s cold!", "Happy birthday!", "I`m so blessed", "Political rant!"... There, now you don`t have to go to Facebook today. You`re welcome.
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
iPhone 6: For people who don`t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn’t know why she was mad at me.
Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn`t have waffle cones but they had pictures of waffle cones. That guy was me.
I don`t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it
My blood hound was just attacked by a Crip hound.
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.