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My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn`t mean together.
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
I`m in a good place right now. Not emotionally....just that I`m at the liquor store.
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
Sometimes I wish that I could put my wife on airplane mode.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
"Friendzoned" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
OMG, you guys, there`s a button on this stove that says "Stop Time". Should I press it??
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
You know what’s easy? ... Opening another beer
Facebook should have a limit on times you can update your relationship status, after 3 it should default to "unstable".
October is breasts cancer month. I stare because I care.
Patiently waiting for the Prozac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".