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10 REASONS WHY I`M LAZY... you know what? Never mind. I can do this later.
I hate it when a website greets me with a pop-up window. It just feels like you should say hi first, maybe buy me a drink.
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
I forgot to make a resolution, so I`m pretty much going to just write out everything I did last night and add the word "stop" to the beginning.
Boobs, because you can`t motorboat a personality.
Although the voices aren`t real, they have some pretty good ideas.
If you rearrange the letters of "postmen" they get really pissed off.
Legos are practice for when you get older & buy Ikea furniture
A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is usually mad.
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
Bulimia: Twice the taste. Zero Calories.
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.
Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
In life you will meet all sorts of people, happy, moody, shy, loud, weird, and then there`s me So deal with it mmuhaaaaaaaahaaahaaaa that`s right !