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The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.
Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
JOKE OF THE YEAR: Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
I`m not saying you`re a slut but you`re dirtier than my browser history.
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman`s voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it`s working.
The only human interaction I want for the rest of the day is the exchange of money between me and the liquor store cashier
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
When someone shows you they don`t want to be a part of your life, let them go. I`m not saying you can`t make a voodoo doll of them, though.
I`m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?
You’re one of those women that my mom warned me about…Here’s my number.
If I`m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.
Did you know that if we laid all the facebook account owners end to end around the world. Three quarters of them would Drown? Hmm ....