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One thing I`ve learned about women is they prefer that I don`t speak
Pet stores should post "Chameleon" on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be “doesn’t know how to follow directions.”
I hate when I spend the extra money to buy organic vegetables only to get home and find out that I bought regular donuts.
Mall kiosk employees are basically human pop up ads.
Searching Netflix is almost more of an activity than watching a movie on Netflix.
This "doing nothing" is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I`m done?
My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
Friends don’t let friends twerk.
Water is so good when it`s mixed with grains and yeast, fermented and then distilled and aged.
It’s been “one of those days” for like 3 years now.
Never ask a Leper to "give you a hand", seriously, don`t........................
"Estimated Time of Arrival" on the GPS. Challenge accepted!