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St. Patricks day is the only time you can ask somebody in public,"Do you want some green" without you looking suspect.
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
I bet Jellyfish are sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish.
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
How crazy is it that we used to say "three and a half inch floppy" with a straight face
Been there, done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
Does this couch I`m laying on make me look unmotivated?
There`s nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can`t cure.
If booze isn`t the answer, then your question sucks.
Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.
Wonders why there´s an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?