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Relatives - Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too.
This complimentary lemonade at the doctor`s office tastes funny.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
It`s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”
I don`t speak Spanish, but I`m pretty sure "Dora" means "annoying"
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls.
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
Had a great time watching the family oriented PG rated Shrek with my grandson last night... until he asked why a Donkey would have sex with a Dragon.
Top three reasons he doesn`t text you back: 1. He`s just not that into you 2. He`s imaginary 3. He`s a cat
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs.