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My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today, at least I presume she was poor, she only had $ 1,20 in her purse
I love my car. Without it, I would not be where I am today.
I met a girl who told me that she broke up with her last boyfriend because he just didn`t work out. Which is when I knew, she wasn`t the one for me, as I hate to work out as well.
The problem with diets is pizza.
I guess “Trying to be” isn’t really the answer the doctor was looking for when he asked if I was sexually active.
I was planning on doing something today, but I haven`t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
I just changed my WiFi password to "blowmefirst." I can`t wait for someone to ask me for it!
If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it
It`s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
REPOSTED~WARNING~PLEASE READ! If someone comes to your door and asks you to remove your clothes,and dance with your arms in the air...~DO NOT DO THIS....~It is a SCAM~...They just want to see you naked....I wish I had known this yesterday....I feel so stupid now
The cop at your front door is never a stripper when you want them to be.
Some people are flirting with my delete & block button