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We are so fortunate not to live in China, they have to hide their posts in cookies.
Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It`s been an hour.
Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
The way I figure it, whatever doesn’t kill me has lost it’s chance.
I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
Before I lose my phone, end up naked, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Independence Day.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me
Sometimes my mind wanders, other times it leaves completly. ;)
People think I`m a hugger, but I`m actually shaking them down for snacks.
thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!
Don`t worry about walking a mile in my shows. Try a day thinking in head.