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I just found out cock fighting is done with roosters and now it feels like this 6 months of training has been wasted.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips...
I need my decision making privileges taken away.
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
went to see the conjuring, and now there`s 10 crosses, four bibles, and a poster of Chuck Norris in my room.
My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
Not one back to school special on beer. What kind of world do we live in.
If there is anything I learned from 80`s movies it`s that I`m the best around, and nothing is ever gonna keep me down
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Hey officer, why did you stop me? Just an hour ago, you said that you never wanted to see me again.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won`t buy the book.