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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
I hate when I’m comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!
If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
times new roman walks into a bar. "sorry, we don`t serve your type."
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
Would you like to save money on your car insurance? Walk ... Just sayin
Don`t be upset that you`re single; be happy that someone isn`t ruining your life.
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.
Disneyland. The world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn`t let you skip.