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Please ignore this post, I`m pretending to be adding a coworker`s phone number.
If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
My husband is not allowed to help with math anymore. Apperently 4 = 6.5 in his reality.
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
I know they didn`t ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.
Was disappointed when I watched the films Shaft, XXX, X-Men, In To Deep, Snatch, The Box, Free Willy. None of them were what I expected...
Instead of a selfie, you should take a someone elsie.
I`m emotionally constipated. I haven`t given a crap in days...
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
Perfect girls are found at every corner of the earth... unfortunately, the earth is round.
The closest I ever got to murdering is when I held a Oreo cookie in milk until the bubbles stop.
I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee ... so I pulled over and fertilized your crops
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.
If you`re going to stalk me at least notice when I`m running low on toilet paper & change the roll.