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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone`s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
Hating everything saves countless hours of decision making.
There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
Nobody’s phone is ever off. They’re lying.
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
I don`t mind my long commute, I just hate that it always brings me to work.
If you use the word "gay" to desrcribe something that is "merry or happy" then you`re gay.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
It’s pretty scary that before facebook… All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
I don`t mean to brag, but my posts are enjoyed by well over 20 people worldwide...
The truth might set you free, but lying might keep you out of jail.