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Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free.
Meditation never worked for me, so I tried something even better..."Beditation"! You lay down close your eyes and you wake up an hour and a half later!
You look over-medicated. What`s your doctor`s name?
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
that annoying manager who thinks they are god ... you are not ... you are a douche box
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.
I don`t like people who hate certain group of people. But I get along very well with people who hate everybody equally.
Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.