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Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today, at least I presume she was poor, she only had $ 1,20 in her purse
If I were my boss, I`d never leave my coffee cup unattended.
I wish we had staff meetings in the garden. The plants would`ve love the fertilizer.
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.
If you smoke after sex, you`re doing it to fast.
I`m glad I`ve got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me
I don`t know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyway.
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… to be slowly driven insane by Christmas music.
The closest I ever got to murdering is when I held a Oreo cookie in milk until the bubbles stop.
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.
Hey Russia, you spelled Sushi wrong.