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I see you`re busy. I`ll come back later and ruin your free time.
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
You need a high five, in the face, with a chair.
Michael Schumacher`s former crew just visited him in the hospital. They changed the wheels on his bed and his drip in 4.4 secs.
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
Do feminists look under their beds for the boogie woman?
It`s not hotter this year. It`s just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups...
How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me...
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.