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It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
On a scale of one to crazy, how many cats do you have?
I saw the city workers putting up a sign on my street and it says Bumpy road ... so I put up a sign that says ,, FIX IT !
What idiot named it a mugshot instead of a cellfie?
My hand has never pumped so hard for a little squirt. Stupid empty soap bottle.
A slutty girl is like the first slice of bread in a loaf. Everybody touches it but nobody wants it.
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
Someone just asked me if I was `happily` married. Single people are adorable.
There are plenty of fish in the sea ...That`s cool and all....but I`m a human.
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.