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My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
There`s a certain age where you can no longer use the term "Good girl gone bad". It`s more like "Her old a$$ should know better"
I`m running out of people I can tolerate!
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
When people sit in front of me at the movies. I make a loud fart sound so they quickly move to get away from me.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
Women have all the answers, to all of your questions, and you don`t even have to ask.
Calm down ... Take a deep breath and hold it for about 30 minutes.
?"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Dyslexic Santa
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.
I bet you can`t keep the funny and not funny the same number.
My grocery cart right now says ” I’m getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!” And also. “I like fruit.”
“That’s funny” is something I say when I can’t even fake a laugh.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.