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The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34C
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!
Im not sure Im comfortable with the fact that there is now a bunch of people in white coats furiously scribbling notes behind a big glass window while im talking to my therapist. Im suppose to just "ignore" them.
Don`t put off until tomorrow what you can avoid the rest of your life.
The buses don`t go where you live do they.
I know the voices aren`t real, but man do they come up with some great ideas.
My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.
You think you love your family but suddenly there`s three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.
I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee ... so I pulled over and fertilized your crops
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....