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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
Hot Pockets: For when you want every bite to be a different temperature.
10 REASONS WHY I`M LAZY... you know what? Never mind. I can do this later.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating "I can`t hear you" over and over
I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
why call it ordering pizza and not the pursuit of happiness
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
Everything is legal when the cops aren`t around.
I`m so bitchy right now ... I won`t even talk to myself!!
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that`s another weakness
MY MISSION IS COMPLETE!!! I have successfully wasted a little bit of your time today :) carry on!
The good thing about listening to a new song is that it doesn’t remind you of anyone.
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.