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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a dog, or just a pizza.
I solve my problems by blatantly ignoring them and going on the internet.
Technically, it isn`t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
That annoying feeling when you finally downloaded the movie you wanted to watch and BOOM!... It`s in French. #F**kYouFrance
Lying about my age is easier now that I have trouble remembering what it is.
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
I`m the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called " fun size" should really re-evaluate their stanards of entertainment.
Love your enemies; after all, you made them!
I wonder if pet products are tested on humans?
A dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.
I procrastinate so much I’ll probably put off death and never die.
Its Friday ... my body is in for a much-needed drinking session