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Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don`t stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."
Dont let facebook fool you we aint friends
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
I hate people that take drugs, specially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.
If you`re going take a bathroom picture, at least clean it off. I can`t see anything through all the toothpaste.
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
Why is it called "reading a book" and not paper view?
If you use the word "gay" to desrcribe something that is "merry or happy" then you`re gay.
You know what`s the best part about waking up early? Nothing, it sucks!
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
Well ... here I am ... cleverly disguised as a responsible adult!
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words `active` or `sport` in it`s name
Gift cards are still the best way to say "I`m too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you`ll buy drugs if I give you cash."
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
If you want funny, get off Facebook and watch the news...