Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.
If someone is uncomfortable watching you masturbate they; A. Have intimacy issues B. Are frigid C. Should sit somewhere else on the bus
In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That`s how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
I am losing Facebook friends at an alarming rate. Whatever it is that I said, is working like a charm.
My life is a result of "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
The Patriots defensive coverage was almost as bad as the coverage by Obamacare.
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day.
Dear whoever ate my fries while i was in the ball pit at McDonald`s... grow up!!