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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
Redneck word of the day: Twerk "Imma have one more beer then imma get back twerk!"
Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
ah... Crocs the 21st century version of the chastity belt
"The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
It must really suck to take life so seriously that you can’t enjoy it.
If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go? I`m going to need a quick answer for this....
Today I am thankful that I don`t post what I am thankful for on Facebook, every day in November. Or ever.
Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio
sorry abaut the message I sent you last night, my phone was drunk!