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I accidentally lit the wrong end of a cigarette-that can`t be healthy!
Now that I`ve maxed out my 401k for the year, I`ll get a tattoo, said no one ever.
Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
can´t seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
If I had any self control I`d probably eat that too.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman, it doesn`t matter if its Visa or Mastercard.
This status could be yours for 3 easy payment of $8.99, get in quick because this offer won`t last for long, infact there are only 5 left.
I`ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn`t need my assistance, so I`m going back to bed.
Wanted a nap but had trouble getting to sleep. So I put on Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. Now 13 hours later, I`m well rested.
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?
Holy sh!t Karma, how much longer till we`re all squared up?
Black holes must be where God divided by zero.