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Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Why didn`t Spider-Man`s enemies just move to a city without skyscrapers?
In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour
Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I have hit the age where sex and choosing the exact right size Tupperware for leftovers are equally satisfying...
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
It`s always quiet on here at the weekends, it`s like you people have lives or something...
Farts are just ghosts of things that we ate. ;D
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a normal pigeon.
I need to tell you something. I know it is going to break your heart and maybe you will not talk to me after the bad news. But I want you to hear it from me first instead of hearing it from someone else. This is going to make you cry I know. I first thought I must just keep quiet about it but I know it will not be fair on you. I am so ashamed to have to do this but you need to know the truth. Don`t be mad at me please. I will understand if you never want to hear from me ever again but it m