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Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
If someday we all go to prison for downloading Movies and TV shows, I just hope they split us up by genre.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln`s last Tweet.
I am one of those people who presses every button in the elevator when I`m getting out =]
A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
Nothing is more heartbreaking than unappreciated sarcasm!
If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over....you can make them here, because I want some too
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
Does running out of money count as exercise?