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Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee!
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
My favorite iOS7 feature is how it distracts me from the fact that I`m wasting my life poking a glass screen.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
I don`t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I wish I had a job where I could punch stupid motherf*ckers in the face all day.
Running behind is my cardio.
COLLEGE STUDENTS: if you`re looking for a job, your career center lists thousands of openings you don`t have enough experience for.
Anyone know how much snow is too much snow not to go to the liquor store?