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My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
My personal fast food philosophy: If nobody knows you went to McDonald`s, you didn`t really go to McDonalds.
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
"Safely remove USB." Who does that?
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope`s car.
It`s always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
I don`t know why it`s necessary to get a glass dirty, when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
I don’t drink to forget about problems. I drink to create new problems that that make the old issues irrelevant.