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Does anyone know where the off switch on a child is? I can’t seem to find it.
Well kids, texting wasn`t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You had to click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. `I won the lottery`.
Sometimes, late at night in the market..i switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.
Just found out What the Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she`s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you`re inside one at 4am you think, i`m glad these are here.
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
I put the b!tch in the kitchen.~ last thing I remember saying before I woke up in the hospital.
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
I`d rather SH!T in my hands and clap!
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.