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What a rip-off. I picked up a book called 101 Mating Positions. It turned out to be a book on chess.
Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That`s how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called Lunch.
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
A good office manager never let`s you run out of ink, paper or vodka
Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don´t know when.
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on
His idea of cleanliness is sweeping the room with a glance.
Every day can be Friday if you`re really irresponsible.
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
I was admiring my six pack in the mirror for two hours,then it got cold and I put it in the fridge
The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.
The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.