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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
I`ve had like 10 red bulls, so of course I`m vacuuming the front yard.
Talked to someone in person today....what a pain in the a$$ that was!
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook statuses; it simply makes me not care what you think of them…
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
I was going to write something profound and memorable here, but I can`t remember what it was.
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
It isn`t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would`ve been a better option.
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel crossing the street.
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me
This day needs more yesterday.
My number was 0...