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Friend: Hey that`s a great truck. what kinda engine? Me: [rubbing the hood] it`s got a truck engine
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
I grew up for this?
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
The wet spot in my bed is tears
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I’d like whipped cream on it.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.
Sometimes I listen to strangers conversations and mentally give my opinion
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.